You Know What Chaps My Ass Family Guy
Original air date: Nov 14, 2021
Peter turns the Pewterschmidt mansion into a hotel while Lois and Carter nourish the funeral of Lois' childhood nanny.
* * *
♪ Information technology seems today that all you meet ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on Tv ♪
♪ But where are those good former-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky in that location's a family unit guy ♪
♪ Lucky in that location'due south a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's… a… Fam… ily… Guy! ♪
So this is sports. Where's the hosiery?
Hi. I'm a 15-year-former wild card, and…
Well, allow's get you a gun already!
Oh, Peter, I'yard and so glad y'all're finally doing something positive for your wellness. What do you lot retrieve about this treadmill?
Yeah, this one's practiced. Let me ask a salesperson for help like a complete beta.
Excuse me, sir-Oh, oh, you're helping someone else.
I'll exist with you in i second.
Yes, no, no. You're busy, I come across. Help him, and so help her, and then whoever's after them. I'll simply wait hither and feel the running shirts.
Sir, exercise you need help?
I'm waiting for Josh.
(loud rattle)
What the hell? Peter, what the hell is that?
It'south my new pitching machine, Lois. And look, information technology tin can plow our automobile into a giddy tank! Watch me nail Cleveland. (grunts)
CLEVELAND: I got i, as well, bitch!
All correct, Chris, fourth dimension for your onetime homo to teach you how to swing a bat.
But I've been playing Little League since I was seven.
Oh, that's all right. Later all, this is about father-son bonding and not virtually hitting you in the nuts to get on America'south Funniest Home Videos.
Await, why are you lot pointing the pitching machine at my crotch? Ah! Hey!
Come on, Chris. You and me up there at AFV in indigestible, six-push suits. The kings of 1991, merely for 1 night.
Journalist: Or will it be "Two Balls One Strike," submitted by Peter Griffin of Quahog, Rhode Island? And the winner is… "Fainting Groom," sent in by Kevin and Lisa Tarczynski of Berkley, Michigan.
(all gasp)
"…but it turns out, the real Dianetics was the friends he made along the way."
(sighs)
Uh-oh.
Stand dorsum. The pitching machine is the just plumber we'll need.
(pipes rattling)
♪ ♪
(both scream)
(all screaming)
And… I'g waking up outside once more. Got to slumber to grow, guys. Got to sleep to abound.
Oh, thank you for letting us stay here, Daddy. We'll be out of your hair every bit soon equally the firm dries out.
You lot know, Carter, we don't mean to be a carp. Why don't we just stay at a hotel, and you pay for the hotel and information technology should exist the LEGOLAND hotel?
I'k not giving you coin for almost drowning my daughter and grandchildren. Besides, I have to get out town for a couple days, and I demand someone I tin trust to look later the place.
Where's Babs? Why can't she do it?
I don't know. The ransom note didn't say.
Daddy, I didn't know you were leaving town. Where are you going?
Ah, only some funeral. I'll be back in a couple of days. I left food out for the butlers, just modify their litter boxes tomorrow if yous recollect of it.
A funeral? Who died?
Just a… (stammers) only an old family friend. Don't worry about it.
Oh, a family friend? Was it someone I knew?
All right, look, I didn't want to say anything, just it was Meredith, your erstwhile nanny.
Meredith? Oh, I loved that woman. I was then sad when she quit.
Wow, Lois, you were lucky to have a nanny. My mom just left me with a radio possessed by the former owner of our home.
Can I take a snack?
RASPY Voice: (on radio) You lot're sitting where I died.
Why are y'all fifty-fifty going, Daddy?
People ever want the richest person they ever worked for to attend their funeral. They'll be, like, "Oh, my God, a rich person! I guess it'due south okay he'due south talking on his phone."
Well, I tin can't miss Meredith'southward funeral. Yep, I'd amend become, too.
Simply I need y'all to watch the house!
Oh, Peter and the kids are more than capable of watching the firm.
Kids? They're staying? Only they beloved funerals!
Peter, enough. Daddy, I'yard coming with you.
(sighs) Fine. Donkey, gas, or grass? No one rides free.
I guess… gas?
That'southward what all the prudes say.
Did you know this house is and so large at that place's a 12-second echo?
What are yous talking about?
The acoustics are such that it takes the homo voice 12 seconds to bounce back as an echo.
That'southward ridiculous. Not fifty-fifty the Thou Canyon has a–
STEWIE'Southward Repeat: Did you know this firm is and so large there's a 12-2d echo?
Ridiculous, huh?
Okay, I'm hearing it now.
(echo continues)
Well, next time, maybe don't doubt me when I tell you the acoustics are such that it takes 12 seconds for the human vocalisation to travel.
(repeat stops)
I think we should hang some blankets in the hallway.
STEWIE'S Echo: Ridiculous, huh?
BRIAN'Southward Repeat: Okay, I'm hearing it now.
(echoing voices continues)
Guys, I take a neat idea.
(echoing flatulence)
That'due south weird. That fart was from yesterday. Great idea, Peter!
Listen, I was thinking, what if nosotros make some extra greenbacks by turning this place into a hotel?
PETER's Repeat: Bully idea, Peter!
Awesome! We're all in! Now, if you'll excuse me, I accept to become apologize to the hotel towels for what's about to happen to 'em.
Men, tonight you will have i terminal nighttime of peace. I won't lie to you, a hotel guest has no regard for your life. That means some of you lot volition not be coming dorsum. Those who practise will never exist one color again. Now, hither are your assignments: Anderson, you're tardily-night vomit. Russo, you lot'll be in the ladies' room.
Ooh!
(whistles)
All correct, knock it off, at ease. Edwards, you're gonna be folded into a monkey at the foot of the bed, and so (blip) on.
Look at Edwards, he'southward into it!
Ooh!
At ease!
Well, it'll be nice to take a fiddling route trip together. Yeah, we never had a lot of daddy-daughter time when I was immature. You were e'er so busy.
Non now, kitten.
Oh, look! That's just like the pond Meredith used to take me to. (sighs) I miss her and so much. Yeah, I could always talk to her when I was having a hard time.
(crying)
Lois, what'due south incorrect?
All the kids at school said I'm MADtv funny and not SNL funny.
Oh, Lois, kids tin exist so mean. Have you always heard the story of "The Ugly Duckling?"
No.
Well, there once was a young duckling who had a hard time plumbing equipment in, just like you. And one day, that duckling went off to college and created a website to rate women. Then he made $100 billion and mined user data to rig an ballot.
Wow! So am I also gonna be a billionaire making websites?
No, simply yous'll apply his site to post pictures of wine and passive-aggressively trunk-shame other moms.
All right, for this hotel functioning to work, we all got to pull our weight effectually hither. Chris, y'all'll be the amiable but dim bellhop.
When y'all say, "Assist those people with their bags," I'll ask, "How high?"
Brian, you'll tend the bar and dole out snappy tidbits of advice.
All right! Finish by Brian'southward Bar for some drinks, thinks and winks.
(chuckles) Nosotros can… we-nosotros tin pitch on it. Uh, Meg, you'll handle all the dish washing, floor scrubbing, laundry, and annihilation else that involves animate in chemicals.
And I'll be the concierge, astutely learning everything there is to know nigh our guests. That will be my one task. Well, that and looking out for Dunstons.
What?
Dunstons. They'll check in. They'll bank check correct in.
(vehicle approaching)
Ah, and hither come up our guests now!
♪ ♪
STEWIE: Get-go to make it is Tom Tucker, here to gloat the ceremony of his divorce with his annual bender.
Medico Hartman and his overbearing mother. They never travel apart. If he could just meet the right woman, he'd find the independence he needs.
Ah, Principal Shepherd, newly single. Lost one-half the school in the divorce.
The Librarian, never married. Adult Disney woman. First kiss was with a boy at theater campsite who would one day get beaten up by David Hyde Pierce for being as well fancy.
I say, Brian, do you lot know what these guests demand?
STEWIE'Southward Repeat: Start to make it is Tom Tucker, here to gloat the ceremony of his divorce… Damn it, I estimate the coating roughshod down. Well, I've got 12 seconds. What these guests demand is someone to suit a little romance in their lives. And I'm the perfect man for the job. Later on all, I do all of Kevin Spacey's matchmaking.
Then, you're not interested in having sex with Kevin Spacey? Oh, good, Kevin's going to dear that.
Hey, you know anything nigh podcasts? I've been getting into podcasts.
That's great! I love podcasts. Which ones are you listening to?
I really similar this i called Cereal.
(loud chewing over radio)
SARAH KOENIG: That was corn flakes. Or was it? The respond at the bottom of the bowl isn't always what yous expect. I'yard Sarah Koenig, and this… (loud chewing) -…is Cereal.
(engine stops)
Dad! Dad! I-I think I mixed up Mayor West's bags with Bruce and Jeffrey's!
BOTH: Leather chaps.
Saddle. Bullwhip.
Rope. Sheriff's badges.
Saddlebags. Saddle soap. Fancy boots.
Yeah, this is ours.
Yep, this is mine.
All right, Brian, I've devised a way to get the Librarian and Doctor Hartman together. Yous see, I've prepared a batch of Martha Stewart'due south chokiest scones. And so when the Librarian eats one, she'll start choking, and Doctor Hartman over there will save her with the Heimlich maneuver. Here she comes!
(chuckling) Oh, these are going to get straight to my thighs. Now if just I could discover a homo to exercise the same.
(laughing)
Oh. Ooh, these are a footling… (coughs) These are a piddling dry. (coughs, laughs) (cough, choking) Okay, remain at-home. I've done this earlier. Stop, drop and roll. (choking, coughing) N-No, expect. No, wait. I know this. Okay, remember your medical grooming. "If a patient chokes on food, practise the tummy-squeezy move." Aye, that-that-that'due south it!
(grunting)
(gasps)
Yous-yous saved my life! Oh, how can I ever repay yous?
♪ ♪
Coin?
SHEPHERD: May I have your attention, please? I believe you dropped this. The blueberries are still intact. Shame to permit something so sweet go to waste.
Oh! Thank you, sir.
Uh-oh, Brian, looks like nosotros've got a love triangle on our hands. I'll treasure this forever.
(chuckles) Well, don't look too long. It'll liquefy from the enzymes in your saliva.
(both express joy)
Okay, last load. Chris, will y'all help me fold these sheets?
Certain, sounds like shooting fish in a barrel.
They're fitted.
♪ ♪
(projector whirring)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
All right, I got to observe a bathroom because that's by and large what life is after lx.
(quiet chatter)
(scattered crying)
Oh. Excuse me.
Oh, no, information technology's my fault, really. I accept a brain thing where I go blind every 45 seconds. Hi, I'grand Jacqueline. I'm Meredith's sis.
Actually? Oh, it's then nice to meet you. I'm Lois. I-I'm so distressing for your loss. Meredith was my nanny a long time ago.
Oh, is that correct? Oh, that-well, that's so squeamish of y'all to make the trip. Y'all meet, Meredith-Dark, darkness, darkness, just ride information technology out. And… we're back!
Meredith loved her time as a nanny. It'due south a shame she had to give it up afterward the affair.
Affair?
I know. We try non to talk nearly it. Some rich guy in Rhode Island. (scoffs) They were seeing each other, but so his married woman establish out and forced him to fire her.
(gasps) And then that'southward what happened.
Tragic, isn't information technology? She had nowhere to get, so she came back hither to our childhood domicile of Three States Abroad.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe the World is round, then that's me. Oh, excuse me, the funeral manager is hither. I'm trying to avert paying him.
Daddy and Meredith had an affair? That's why she left me! Oh, this is horrible. I have to call my husband.
(phone beeps)
PETER: Pewterschmidt Hotel, don't tell Lois.
Peter?!
I'll transfer y'all.
(hold music playing)
(line rings)
CHRIS: The Spa at Pewterschmidt Hotel, don't tell Mom.
Chris?!
I'll transfer you.
(agree music playing)
(line rings)
One thousand thousand: Pewterschmidt Hotel laundry.
Meg?
Mom?
Yeah, I'll transfer you.
Daddy, yous had an matter with Meredith? How could you?
Lois, honey, you don't understand. The horn office in "Sussudio" gave your mother a headache that lasted five years. What was I supposed to do?
Yeah, I don't want to hear it. Do y'all take any idea what that adult female meant to me? While you lot were off working or golfing or God knows what, she was at my piano recitals or-or teaching me how to tie my shoes. She was the merely person in that business firm who was really there for me, and yous took her abroad!
Well, what was I supposed to tell y'all, how many Viagras and what position? Six, and something I call "The Old Pocketknife."
Evening.
I'g looking forward to the medico being in.
Oh. (laughs)
Hullo, in that location. Maybe I could see you between periods.
Oh. (laughs)
Looks similar you've got your easily full.
(chuckling) You're telling me. I just don't know what to do. Well, who exercise you retrieve I should choose?
Well, if information technology were me in this state of affairs, I'd only get along for the ride and see what happens.
That's it? That's your advice?
Well, it'southward only what I…
You know, I'thou trying to take some agency in my life, and you're over here telling me to just "see what happens." That'due south not helpful.
Threesome?
(gasps) Excuse me?
Uh, not with me! With me?
Earlier we begin our service, I'd like to remind everyone that I became a priest after my divorce, so yeah, I have had intercourse. To start things off…
(whispering indistinctly)
Daniel LaRusso's gonna fight?
(whispering)
Oh, I misheard that completely. I've only been told that a special friend of our Meredith has made a long trip just to exist here today. I'd like to inquire Lois Griffin to say a few words.
(murmuring)
That's the daughter of the richest man the dead lady ever worked for.
Hi, I'm Lois Griffin. I, uh, I-I just wanted to exist here today to say goodbye to Meredith and cheers. Thank you for raising me, and-and-and for beingness there when no i else was. That's why I was so injure when you left, and I e'er held it against you, but now I realize i-it wasn't your fault.
You know she can't hear you, right?
Only no matter what happened, Meredith, cheers for being my teacher. Fifty-fifty today, you're didactics me that the people you beloved most of all can all the same betray you.
And at present, a reading from Paul's alphabetic character to the Corinthians.
"Dear Corinthians, military camp is adept. Yesterday nosotros had hot dogs. Please send strawberry Big League Chew just wrap it in a towel because we're non allowed to have it."
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
(indistinct chatter)
(engine starts)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(phone beeps)
Hey, information technology'southward Pewterschmidt. Yous still have that all-night construction crew? I need a favor. Hey, you lot owe me. I picked you lot up from LAX. Y'all have to do anything I ever ask for the rest of time.
(cord quartet playing)
(lively chatter)
Ah, there'south our belle of the ball. And she'south chosen a suitor!
Well, you two look happy. How'd you decide?
Money. But I do feel bad for leaving Principal Shepherd all alone.
Oh, you leave that to me. I may have one more than clever scheme hidden up my sleeve.
(both grunt)
♪ ♪
Oh, my. (laughs) This may be one of my ocular migraines talking, just I come across fireworks.
Can I ask, is that licorice on your breath, or is that simply my licorice breath bouncing out of your mouth?
Why don't you become in here and discover out?
(moaning softly)
(brakes squeal)
Wha-Oh, are nosotros home? Why aren't we going upwards the driveway?
Come on. I have to show you something first.
♪ ♪
(gasps)
♪ ♪
Daddy, what is this?
Information technology's yours. I had to call in a favor or ii, but information technology's all for you. I figured you can come here to sit whenever you lot miss Meredith.
Daddy, this is beautiful.
I'm distressing, Lois. You were correct, people you lot love tin can beguile yous. But if they're rich enough, they can buy apology ponds.
Thank you, Daddy.
(phone chimes and buzzes)
Oh, no, Rafael, the quondam gardener, died. I have a story I accept to tell you and, spoiler alarm, y'all'll be getting another pond.
Well, Dad, I guess our hotel worked out, and we actually made a decent profit.
We sure did, son, but we still got work to do.
Hi, everybody, I'g your karaoke host, Peter Griffin. I volition be up hither far besides many times this night. Just a quick reminder to all of you that even though nosotros haven't started yet, at that place'south already an 60 minutes and 45-minute look. So go ahead and write down the song you want to sing, hand it to me, and I will permit fifteen musical theater people go before you. Remember, no repeats. We want to give everybody a take a chance to sing, although there volition be the same rotation of 5 people upwards here over and over doing duets. All correct, who's gear up for me to kick things off and then become third and sixth?
Source: https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/tv-series/family-guy-s20e07-peterschmidt-manor-transcript/
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